WHICH MEN?

How ya doin?

It’s been an eventful week or so since I last posted on here. So much seems to be happening in the world around us.

Much like all the women around me, I was saddened and angered about the murder of Sarah Everard this week.

I think what affected us all was the fact that she had stuck to all those unwritten rules we all adhere to as women.

“Wear shoes you can run in. Wear unprovocative clothing. Tell someone where you are and when you’ll be back. Wear bright clothing. Take the longer but better lit path home.”

And yet, even through doing all these things that we have to do to try and stay safe; the things we do almost subconsciously, that seem so normal, not asking WHY should we have to be on our guard like this; she was still abducted, assaulted and murdered. By a man.

I’ve read alot of thoughts and observations about this incident and our collective response to it, and one of the issues that really caught my eye (although now I can’t find it again) was on the narrative of these kinds of incidents.

The consistent narrative on female assault/murder/violence brings the focus onto the victim and not the perpetrator.

For instance #violenceagainstwomen doesn’t say who perpetrated the violence. #femaleassault . Again, who did the assaulting? #femicide, who did the killing?

And in nearly all these cases, there has been some kind of suggestion that women should DO something in order to STOP violence “happening” to them. But women shouldn’t have to DO or NOT DO anything in order to walk home safely regardless of what time it is or what they are wearing. No one “asks” for it. Clothing/time of day/choice of path does not = code for men to read and decide that it means this person would like their attention.

Where is the action coming from in a murder like Sarah Everard’s? It wasn’t her action of walking home (taking all the necessary precautions) that caused a man (god only knows if this was a planned assault or had he just been loitering with intent?) to abduct a woman off the street?

I saw a post where a cashier in a Tesco was discussing the incident with a customer and said “what was she doing out at that time? We’ll soon find out.” RAGING. It is THIS kind of dialogue, the questioning of what might she have done to incite this kind of incident that puts all the responsibility on women.

And nobody is saying it is ALL men. But its enough men for women to not know which ones it is. And therefore actually YES. All men are potential attackers/harassers. I’m sorry but that is true. When its something as important as life or death, sexual assault or not, all men will continue to be potentially dangerous until proven not to be.

BECAUSE IT IS NOT WOMEN’S RESPONSIBILITY NOT TO BE RAPED & MURDERED. It is the responsibility of the attacker to NOT ATTACK. It’s the responsibility of our culture to SPEAK OUT ABOUT MYSOGYNY & SEXISM WHEREVER YOU SEE IT.

Now, you all know, I am not anti-men. I have a husband and two boys. I’ve got a brother and a dad. But my husband (and my bro, and my dad) has grown up in a society that puts him (as a male) in a privileged position. He (they) doesn’t understand what it is like for a woman to go out and be on high alert for potential harassment or worse. That is his (their) privilege.

And so I have to try and make him (them) see. I have to try and make my sons aware of the fact that because they might grow up in a patriarchal world where their sex will allow them more freedom than their female counterparts, means that they are in a position of responsibility. That their privilege gives them a massive responsibility. That they must not only not DO harm but that they must be ACTIVE AND ALERT to others behaving or talking in a way that perpetuates sexism, mysogyny, discrimination. AND TO CALL IT OUT.

It’s a massive job. Like racism, it’s not enough to “not be racist” you must be ANTI-RACIST if you want to bring about change and justice. You can’t just be “not sexist”, you must be ANTI-SEXIST. No more passivity. Observe behaviours. Question. Call it out.

My thoughts are with the families of all those women whose lives have been cut short by violent men.